My Father-Vernon Belknap
I cannot believe that I have not posted in two weeks; I suppose in a way I may have gotten bogged down by the subjects in my last couple of entries. That said, I will have to admit that getting stuck in the mud of current events in America had to be my choice. A bad one, I might add. As always, there are lessons and how we move on is more important. Thankfully, we get another chance. I smile as I look outside. When I started the paragraph the roller coaster of weather outside was full steam ahead, pouring, pouring sideways, at that. At the beginning of the last sentence I glanced up and the sky was bright blue with sunshine. Earlier, for a moment, the clouds reminded me of cloud-lasagna, bottom layer big white dense clouds, middle layer blue sky and top layer of gray. The wind, rain, clouds, and sun rushed through quickly, in typical Oregon Spring-like fashion. Such has been my mood the past few days; I seem to be constantly calling upon my skills to observe, STOP, BREATHE, and move on. I will admit I have not been terribly successful with the move-on part.
Interestingly for me, in the grand observation of a larger picture, I think I have come to a better understanding of my Dad. He has been gone nearly 43 years. My Mother often said Dad should have declared himself a pacifist and not joined the army; he was in New Caledonia during the second world war. He was a gentle, sensitive man who could not bare to kill anything. Today, I suspect he may have been a vegetarian. While our country was in turmoil about the Vietnam War, then President Nixon, and the Watergate Affair, my Dad was battling cancer. As entertainment he was glued to the TV with all the Watergate proceedings; he was somewhat of a news junkie. Lots of circumstances in the world bothered him and I often consciously hoped that I would not inherit his propensity to let the world/national affairs get him down. I did not want to become depressed and cynical. Now we are in 2016 and I find myself feeling low, saddened, scared, and worried over the state of affairs in America, much as my dear Father had. What a revelation to connect with his sensitivity.
Luckily I have tools to help keep me from sinking too far and to help bring me back to the reality that it is even OK to feel these things, probably appropriate under the circumstances. But, solutions only come from acting and moving forward with determination and resolve. Even though I am often frustrated with my over-sensitivity, I realize that it is not always especially useful. I have garnered a new appreciation for that gift of sensitivity and compassion. Thank you, Dad. And, thank you to my Mother also, for her independent strong will and her willingness to be outspoken about what matters. That is a story for another day. Even as they are not here, I feel their constant love and encouragement. You know, it is all about choices…always about choices!
STOP – BREATHE- ONWARD
Breathe 2015